My Robot Vacuum Is My Only Friend

Every single day—weekend, weekday, rain or shine—whichever robot vacuum I’m currently testing starts running at 9 am. It’s always a good sign. I heave a sigh of relief and continue with whatever else I was doing, content that at least that f*cking chore in my house is getting done.

When I first started testing robot vacuums eight years ago, it sometimes seemed like more trouble than it was worth. I cleaned up the floor. I meticulously maintained the different sensors. Now I just don’t care. (I mean, yes, I do care, robot vacuum manufacturers, I just care slightly less.) Even if it gets tripped up on my daughter’s latest knitting project, or it can’t mop the kitchen because I haven’t emptied the water tank. Just go, little soldier, go.

Robot vacuums are so much smarter now. They can navigate through many more surprising minefields of Lego bricks, stuffed animals, or piles of shoes than you might have expected even two or three years ago. As a working parent with two elementary-school-aged kids and a dog, I need all the help I can get. Maybe it will clean the whole house; maybe it will only clean up 50 or 65 percent of it. But as someone who is constantly fighting chaos, consistency is what counts.

It’s a Miss

It took a while for me to reach this Zen state (and also to collect enough robot vacuums to have an army running in every room and floor of my house). Based on my years of talking to many families (and trying to foist used robot vacuums on them), these are a few reasons why a robot vacuum might not be worth it for you.

• You live in a small space. If it only takes you an hour or so to vacuum, why bother?
• Your home has a complicated layout. A lot of 1970s homes have strange, complicated designs—a sunken living room, a playroom that’s up a few stairs, bedrooms upstairs. Although stair-climbing vacuums are on the way, for now, it’s not worth carrying a vacuum from room to room.
• You have rugs with weird tassels. The 1970s were bad for robot vacuums. Shag carpeting is also bad, as is a lot of low furniture.
• You hate maintenance. You really can’t stand emptying the fussy little dust bag or refilling the water container. I’m going to say here that you probably have other problems that need addressing before getting a robot vacuum.

Even I don’t rely solely on a robot vacuum to keep my house clean. I also have a Dyson stick vacuum, a carpet cleaner, and a regular broom and mop in a closet. If my kid spills a bunch of flour under the counter while she’s making pancakes, I’m not going to pull out my phone, open the app, and watch a robot vacuum slowly trundle over to spot-clean it.

It’s also not great for deep-cleaning. No matter how much a company hypes up a robot’s suction power, it will just never be as thorough as even the smallest hand vacuum. It’s just physics. A robot vacuum’s motor and battery are smaller.

Even the best navigation system cannot accommodate everything that happens in a crazy, dynamic environment with a bunch of gremlins and animals running around. If I have people coming over, I still have to walk around and do things like put away cushion forts and pick up the shreds of a log that my dog decided to pluck off the woodpile and bring into the house to gnaw in the warmth and comfort of the living room.