Is Lara Croft hot? It’s a question that’s plagued our greatest minds for almost three decades. Yes, she appeared on the cover of the Face magazine next to the tagline “bigger than Pammy” in 1997, and yes, in 2006 lad mag FHM created a whole TV special designed to find the “real” tomb raider. But what does science say? In a world where American academics can’t use the word “women” without jeopardising their scientific funding, it’s a relief that a gambling site called Casino Days is willing to do this important work, recently ranking “The Top 10 Most Attractive Video Game Characters According to Science”.
Using the so-called “golden ratio” – which determines how beautiful someone is by measuring their facial features – the company has found that Lara Croft is the second most attractive video game character in the virtual world. In a move that will finally leave women with nothing to complain about, first place goes to The Witcher’s Geralt of Rivia.
You can probably guess the rest – Red Dead Redemption’s gruff, stubbly Arthur Morgan in fifth place, Geralt’s situationship Yennefer of Vengerberg in eighth. What’s most offensive about these “findings” is not the fact that, for some reason, people are still bothered about the hotness of video game characters, but that familiar faces continue to get snubbed. When will Guybrush Threepwood get a look in? For how much longer must Mario ask, “Why is it never a-me?” Pointy pixelated chests are one thing, but matching your hat to the shirt under your dungarees before a hard day’s plumbing? That takes effort. Consistency. Grace.
Scientists (real ones, this time) have found that “good conduct” can make your face seem more attractive to others – honest people are considered hotter than dishonest ones, whereas men lose points for seeming aggressive. So isn’t it a little archaic to judge video game characters based on how perfectly symmetrical their faces are, when all this time, Luigi’s kind eyes have been blue enough to swim in?
Here are the most attractive video game characters according to science, if “science” means me: Bella Goth from The Sims, Harvey and Haley from Stardew Valley, the King of Hyrule when he’s scowling at me, the red ghost from Pac-Man, Flo from Diner Dash. If we insist on ranking and rating each other – and after hundreds of years, I can’t see why we’d stop now – can’t we at least make our desires a little less base? Can’t we admit there’s something about that king that’s always on fire in those mobile game ads?
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Sadly, Casino Day’s press release also decreed Princess Zelda to be the least attractive video game character, which is a travesty not just because pitting Lara Croft against the princess of Hyrule is depressingly sexist, but because Zelda is a woman with a lot on her mind. Is it not enough that Ganondorf is way too into her, and like Princess Peach before her, she can’t seem to go a day without being kidnapped? The text itself demonstrates the dangers of being blond and cute in a world dominated by malevolent men, and yet we insist on reminding Zelda that actually, she’s not blond and cute enough. Would it kill her to show a little more skin? (Yeah, actually, it probably would. Those bokoblins have spears.)
We live in a period of great upheaval and change. I don’t mean thatthe third world war is waving at us from the horizon; I mean that they put hair on women’s faces in games now and Ciri in The Witcher 4 is possibly not going to be as hot as she was in teenagers’ minds. It’s a relief, then, that some things remain consistent in our wild and wicked world, and that’s that everyone – from left to right (to B, A, Start) – can agree that Lara Croft and Geralt of Rivia are hot. No matter what happens next, we’re clearly going to continue discussing the sexiness of lines of code for years to come.
