There’s going to be a Trump phone. Of course there is. I’d have written about this sooner, but I was stunned into silence for a full day by the news. Because even accounting for *waves hands around* everything, this new device is mind-boggling. And not in a good way.
Trump offspring ‘three from five’ said Trump Mobile will “revolutionise cell phones”. So far that amounts to a bad Photoshop job and year-old Android specs. Then there’s the name: T1 Phone 8002, which makes me wonder whether the Trump family angrily tore up 8001 previous concepts for not being gold enough.
It’s also unclear whether the phone will ever exist in reality. But if it does, millions of idiots will buy one. Are you one of them? Find out by checking out these five reasons you might buy a T1 Phone 8002 Trump Mobile phone.
1. It’s made in the USA*
Note the asterisk. If we did footnotes, the above would link to one saying “Ahahahahahahaha. No.” I did, however, wonder if Trump might at least finish units in the US, a bit like a Subway of phones. Instead of slapping salad on bread, someone would spend their day spray-painting imported phones gold and installing Trump-flavoured Android.
But no. Eric Trump admitted they’ll only “eventually” be made in the US. So while we’ll see claims this phone could only be more American if it came with a bald eagle attached and belted out the Star-Spangled Banner 24/7, it’s actually from China. But who cares about facts these days? So just ignore this section (apart from the title) and move on!
2. You like surprises
The Trump Mobile website lists specs like screen size (6.8in) and main camera (50MP) but skips over the processor, waterproofing, and a bunch of other things. It is clearly a rebadged Android, but which one? Just think: you could have months of excitement after placing your preorder, not knowing precisely what you’ll receive! (That is, if you receive anything.)
3. You rock it, old-school
Trump fans love the past and hate the present. The Trump phone leans into that with its 3.5mm headphone jack, which… argh. OK, this one’s hard to mock. It lets you use cheap headphones that don’t need charging. It’s good for the planet. Which I’ve calculated technically makes the Trump Phone 17.3% woke. Alas, once this news makes it back to the White House, those ports might all get filled with anti-woke glue. Sorry.
4. You don’t care about privacy
The privacy policy for the phone is more or less “we’re watching”. Not unusual these days, but I’d personally trust a Trump phone as far as I can throw Donald Trump. Which isn’t far. You might not care. You might want to send all your thoughts Trump’s way. In fact, you might want the phone to go further, preinstalling Trump’s latest crypto wheeze or redirecting all web traffic to ‘patriotic’ sites like Fox News and Truth Social. If so, this blower’s your jam. Assuming it exists.
5. You really hate Apple. And Samsung. And possibly yourself.
This device lets you stick it to the man. As long as that man isn’t Donald Trump. He’s threatened to impose tariffs on Apple and Samsung, but will surely skip them on a gold-plated Trump phone. Conflict of interest? Absolutely not. This is patriotism.
Although it’s patriotism at arm’s length, because this is a licensing deal. If it all goes horribly wrong, the Trumps will shrug, absolve themselves of responsibility, and blame Obama. Which you might be totally on board for.
So: still keen to own the phone equivalent of a Cybertruck, only in gold? Put $100 down today and you’ll get your phone in September. Possibly. Oh, and no refunds.
