This ain’t no orchestra and I’m not a conductor, but today we’ll be navigating the experience of the Crescendo 2. First, you may be wondering, “Ariana, what are you doing here?” My specialty lies in WIRED’s sleep-related content as a professional mattress tester and certified sleep science coach, not as a sex toy reviewer. But, here’s the thing: Sex and sleep are far more intertwined than we may think or give them credit for. Whereas sleep is one way to relax and unwind, so is sex. As bodily functions, they are both necessary and integral for the healthy functioning of many of our systems.
And the fact of the matter is that many women out there aren’t fully enjoying the experience, nor the benefits that come from having an orgasm. For those looking to take matters into their own hands, the ob-gyn-designed Crescendo 2 is one of the more customizable vibrators on the market.
Choose Your Own Adventure
Photograph: Julia Forbes
In a crowded vibrator market, the Crescendo 2 stands out specifically for its levels of customizability. The vagina is beautifully complex, with increasing research pointing to it having well over 10,000 nerve endings. Not to mention the fact that every body type is different. However, the Crescendo 2 can cover the clitoris, labia, vagina, and perineum in one fell swoop.
This vibrator is, in a word, girthy. The main shaft is 8.7 inches long, 1.7 inches wide, and 1.8 inches tall. Two clitoral stimulators sit at the top like fins. The end point design is meant to mimic two-finger insertion, and the shaft can be bent into a number of shapes—specifically, the letters I, C, U, L, O, or S. This way, you can customize it to not just what you need and like, but your physical form.
Along with the Crescendo 2’s flexibility, there are six motors along the length of the device. These aren’t meant to be in excess, turbocharging your sensory experience—you’re not a race car (though, hilariously, there is a “Mad Max” vibrational setting). Rather, each one creates a touchpoint of stimuli specifically around highly sensitive zones—MysteryVibe says this is clinically proven to help address issues like pelvic pain and dryness.
Courtesy of Julia Forbes
Courtesy of Julia Forbes
That’s just one aspect of the design that makes the Crescendo 2 stand out. The real magic, in my opinion, is the app feature that allows you to adjust each of the six motors individually. While the buttons on the side can help you adjust intensity or switch up vibrational patterns, it’s not necessarily intuitive to reach for that in the heat of the moment. To really enjoy the full extent of what the device has to offer, download the MysteryVibe app ahead of time and Bluetooth-sync it to your device. Upon unboxing, plug it into a USB port for an hour with the attached charger—once fully charged, you’ve got two hours of usage.
With the app, you can make one motor more or less intense depending on what you prefer. In addition to this individualistic motor approach, the app also has a vibration pattern library where you can download preset patterns. You can fine-tune your search by searching for patterns that offer things that are more your speed, from slow pulsations to sensations just around the edges of the device.
What’s really impressive is that you also have the option to customize your own, bringing a whole new aspect of individualistic and customizable experience to the table. The synchronicity of the app and device lets you figure out what feels right for you as you mix and match the motors to create your “vibe.” This is a cheeky way of saying that you can adjust each motor’s pulse intensity and frequency. From there, the Crescendo 2 can store 12 vibrational patterns at a time, with 16 intensities. And yes, the preset patterns have clever names.
Another bonus is the Crescendo 2’s button locking feature. This is particularly helpful if and when you’re rendered low-key mindless during the throes of passion and accidentally hit a button. The button lock ensures you’re on your way to catapulting toward the finish line instead of losing focus from the change of pace. I’ve met many women where reaching orgasm is a mental hurdle, and something like an accidental vibe check would throw them off. This is one less tangible thing you would have to deal with.
Plug and Play
Courtesy of Julia Forbes
Courtesy of Julia Forbes
MysteryVibe says the Crescendo 2 is “infinite toys in one” due to its ability to be bent into various shapes. Since it is shaped somewhat like two fingers, it’s meant to mimic various hand shapes one may employ during sex. While it’s malleable enough to bend the internal joints upward and downward, the vibrator isn’t meant to be twisted. Because of this, of the letters I mentioned previously, some of them weren’t necessarily the easiest to accomplish—namely, the “U.” During my hands-on testing I found that this particular shape wouldn’t stay in place for me, yet it was the most fun one. Ugh! That could very well be because of my anatomy, but it does challenge MysteryVibe’s claim of the Crescendo 2’s toy configurations being “infinite.”
The clitoral stimulation pieces at the top also didn’t do much for me, which goes back to the overall length of this thing. I have to wonder, if it were a slightly smaller size, would I get the full package of benefits this vibrator offers? But given this is supposed to be a “one size fits all” approach, I can understand why MysteryVibe designed the Crescendo 2 the way they did.
“Different strokes for different folks” is very on the nose when not only discussing the customization the design offers you, but the pulse settings as well. You can really get creative and experiment with what you like, which makes it that much more exciting for partnered use—speaking from personal testing, of course. Mix things up on a whim, and never let your partner know your next move. They may like what kind of vibes you have up your sleeve; I sure did. I cannot confirm nor deny the custom vibe patterns we came up with are offshoots of Mad Max sayings, but it’s another sort of bonding activity to create that sort of inside joke. So many puns, so little time!
Another claim that popped out at me was that, according to MysteryVibe, the Crescendo 2 is many users’ first-ever vibrator. I can say confidently that if this happens to be you, you are starting off very strong. In fact, you may be ruining all other vibrators for yourself going forward, because this one sets the bar so high.
