In an age of smartphones, social media and instant communication, it has never been easier to connect … or to offend everyone around us. Many of today’s most common etiquette breaches stem not from malice but from convenience: a badly written message, a thoughtless post, a device that demands our attention. Yet good manners still hinge on the same old principle: consideration for others. From eschewing headphones on public transport to ghosting invitations and sharing thoughtlessly online, here are some of the most common modern etiquette mistakes, why they grate, and how they can be avoided.
Making ‘happy birthday’ posts all about you
A classic daily vignette on social media is someone you follow wishing their friend a happy birthday in their story. Without fail, this is usually a photo of the account holder and the friend; the former looking much better than the person whose birthday it is. Stop making other people’s birthdays about yourself. Post a photo of them on their own, if you really must, but also ensure you extend online birthday posts to all friends, rather than just a select few.
Sending a voice note without a subject
A semi-controversial opinion, but I love a voice note. I love it when my friends and colleagues send me them. But I don’t love it when they send me one without a follow-up line of text explaining what it’s about. Probably, as it is a voice note and not a call or text, it’s in no way urgent. But some sort of nod to its content is always polite. Anything like, “regarding dinner next week; not urgent” or “some background on the new client” will do.
(Sidebar: never send a voice note to someone you don’t know well.)
Checking your smartwatch during a face-to-face chat
Users of smartwatches may well feel a ping or a pop on their wrists, informing them they have a text, their online order has been dispatched, or they have just spent £12.25 at Pret. The Pavlovian response is to glance down to see what the notification is. But when in the company of others, be warned that looking at your watch just reads as “they’re bored of me and checking the time” or “their message is more interesting than me”. Even if you explain that you are reviewing a notification, and not the time, it’s still rude. Avoid the temptation, or put your watch, like your phone, into do not disturb mode before the meeting starts.
Sending work emails outside business hours
The etiquette for emails is that the onus is on the sender to respect the recipients’ time. If you are a lover of a 6am raid on your inbox, great: go for it. But consider saving emails as drafts and sending within the recipient’s regular business hours, or using the schedule-send tool, so you don’t pressure your colleagues and clients into thinking they have to reply at the crack of dawn like you. If you are emailing colleagues in vastly different time zones, of course, there is no issue with sending it early for you but a normal time for them.
Not asking before taking photos in friends’ houses
It’s not your house and so your own rules do not apply. Ask your hosts before any photos or video are taken and then ask again if you want to share it on social media. This now also extends to tradespeople, many of whom have social media accounts. While they may want to capture their handiwork and use it to get new business, they should not be posting their clients’ private spaces online without permission.
Music and calls without headphones
This heinous act of selfishness is like a new pandemic. You cannot go five minutes in any major city in the UK, or indeed abroad, without seeing someone making a call on speakerphone, watching TikToks, or listening to music without using headphones: a concept that has been dubbed “barebeating”.
Being charitable, is this because mobiles no longer come with headphones? Or perhaps people are worried about these mini supercomputers getting hot against their ears. Whatever the reasoning, it’s wrong to force those around you to endure whatever you are consuming. If we all did it, there would be an unimaginable cacophony.
Couples reposting each other
There should be a special place in hell for couples who tag each other and then reshare each other’s stories online. Your friends and those you care about probably follow you both, so please don’t force us all to sit through the exact same banality twice.
(Another sidebar: public displays of love on Facebook are also nausea-inducing. Tell them directly, not everyone else.)
Filming people in public without consent
While getting others to consent can be hard to achieve, modern manners suggest considering others who may be in your shot when recording videos and snapping photos. It takes an extra few moments, but is a courtesy that we are all capable of extending to our fellow humans.
Dropping the niceties in emails
Many fall into the trap of thinking that as email is quicker, they can shed formalities, mistaking those small courtesies for some sort of restrictive skin. But with much internal messaging now moving to platforms like Slack and Teams Messenger, I hope people go back to including the niceties in their emails. A quick good morning, closing with a “with all good wishes”, rather than just a curt sentence.
Filming concerts rather than watching
Here’s what no one tells you. No one who wasn’t there really wants to watch your tinny clips of the Mayhem Ball or One Night in Manchester. You’ve paid through the roof for your tickets for Lady Gaga or Harry Styles, and then you forget to experience the concert with your own eyes and ears, too focused on capturing it with your phone, all while perhaps blocking the view of those behind you. Enjoy the moment. It’s probably being filmed in 4K by some streamer, anyway, and their stuff will be better than anything you shoot.
Vaping without asking
While vaping arguably may be less toxic for your lungs than smoking, it is still one and the same thing when it comes to etiquette. Please do not vape in people’s houses, or in their general presence, even if outdoors, without asking first.
Ghosting instead of declining
It is far ruder to ignore an invitation than decline it. You can’t go to everything, so no host should be offended by your prompt regrets. (If you repeatedly decline invitations, then it may be different.) It’s more irritating to have to chase your guests or to wonder why they haven’t bothered to respond.
Sharing pictures of people’s children online without permission
Worse than sharing the inside of someone’s house online is sharing pictures of their children. Some parents are relaxed about their offspring appearing online; others are more private. There is no right or wrong option, unless you are the one who brazenly shares images of others’ children without the parent or guardian’s consent.
Half-hearted dietary requirements
If you’re a vegan, great. Come for dinner, and I will gladly whip up something that hasn’t gone anywhere near a farmyard. But don’t then announce that my pork looks quite good, so you’ll have a bit. Or announce that when you were on holiday a few weeks ago, you fancied an omelette, so had one at breakfast. You either have a dietary requirement or you don’t. Pick a lane.
Not sending any note of thanks after hospitality
It is easier than ever to communicate with our fellow humans today. While you may not send a handwritten note after receiving hospitality (which is still the preferred and most gracious option), the very least you can do is send a text, DM, or even call your host the next day to say how much you enjoyed it all. Even if you didn’t.
Running late and not communicating
While we touch on the ease and variety of communication methods available to us today, please ensure if you are running late, you let whoever is waiting know. The best and easiest way is to send an apology message and then share your location with them so they can track you in real-time and save the bother of messaging you. And if you don’t feel comfortable with location sharing, give as accurate an indication of your ETA as possible. Don’t say “five minutes” when it’s going to be more like 15.
Thinking you have to have an opinion on everything and sharing it
The world is complicated. There is too much going on to have an opinion on every hot-button issue. You can admit that you don’t have an opinion, or are still formulating one. It takes true confidence to say you aren’t sure about something. It’s better to ask sensible questions rather than opine on things you don’t know about.
Bringing an uninvited plus one
I once hosted a party at home when a guest swanned up to me – around 9pm – and announced that his plus one was outside; would I mind letting him in? I stared at him blankly. The Victor Meldrew in me wanted to tell him he didn’t have a plus one, and why did he think it was OK to bring a stranger to my house? Of course, I said nothing of the sort and admitted the plus one. But I kept an extra eye on them that evening, taking great care to count my knick-knacks before and after they left.
Remember, an invitation is only for those whose names are listed. If it doesn’t say “plus guest” then you do not have a mandate to bring one.
Shortening names
Life is different from how it was in etiquette’s perceived heyday. We are much less formal, not automatically deferential. This is a good thing. But do not fall into the trap of thinking that to forge a quicker connection with a new pal you can abbreviate their name off the bat, unless invited. Familiarity can breed contempt!
