EXACTLY 2,120 notifications. This simply can’t go on.
That’s how many times WhatsApp pinged me last week. It works out at over 300 texts a day. I’m exhausted, and a nightmare app trend is making it even worse.
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I’m talking about group chats. Endless buzzing conversations with loved ones, pals, colleagues, strangers, and people I don’t even like.
It seems like everything gets its own group chat these days.
For a start, you’ve got chats with every possible configuration of family and pals you could imagine.
Then there are the groups for long-forgotten after-work drinks, stag dos and birthday parties that won’t die. They pop up every few weeks like notification zombies, eating away at my brain and my patience.
Why does being pulled into a chat for arranging some beers mean I’m condemned to a lifetime of tedious GIFs and tired memes?
Yes, I know I can leave group chats, or just archive them.
But it’s like playing whack-a-mole. Leaving them seems to invite even more into my life. It’s like one of those cursed dolls from a horror movie.
Unsolicited invitations to conversations I don’t need to be a part of abound. Dozens of groups, all bombarding me like a digital Luftwaffe. Maybe it’s convenient for these group chat obsessives to add me – but what if I just want a bit of peace and quiet?
I just went into WhatsApp Settings > Storage and Data > Network Usage to look at my all time stats. I’ve sent about 200,000 messages since getting WhatsApp, and received nearly 700,000. I can’t keep pace.
And when I go into Settings > Screen Time on my iPhone to look at my WhatsApp notification count, I’m opening WhatsApp 16 times a day on average – with thousands of pop-ups a week.
By my maths, last week there were nearly 19 notifications every time I opened the app. It’s sickening. This isn’t how humans were meant to live. My phone isn’t always with me – so even going outdoors doesn’t fix it.
There’s no escape unless I chuck my mobile in the bin. It’s tempting.
Isolated, most of these group chats don’t seem too bad. I even like most of the people in them, honestly.
But their misery is greater than the sum of their parts. They come together like a snowball of spam, crushing me under the immense weight of mindless chatter.
SHOWER THOUGHTS
The whole concept of online chatting is oppressive too.
Just the other day, I was texting a pal and felt bad about going to hop in the shower mid-conversation. What if they think I’m ignoring them? Will they think something happened to me? It’s obviously nonsense, but the app makes it feel like you’re “always on”.
I felt like a prisoner in my own bathroom.
I did shower in the end, obviously. I won’t let the apps win. But their dominating effect is real.
The sad truth is that I get so many messages that it’s literally impossible to read, absorb, and reply to them all in a meaningful way.
Not unless I pack my job in, cut off my hobbies, and glue myself to my phone.
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I don’t even think I’m particularly popular. Some of you reading this probably have it even worse. How do you cope?
The worst thing is, I’m hardly using social media. I’ve basically come off Facebook and Instagram to try to spend less time on my phone.
If I was using those apps too, I don’t know how I’d deal with the onslaught.
At least my bosses pay me to read my work emails. Trawling through my WhatsApp chats is thankless.
It’s gotten so bad that some days, I don’t even bother opening the app. I think: if it’s important, I’ll hear about it in another way.
Better yet, I remind myself that I can just talk to these people in person. Ask them about their lives in the flesh: “How are you? Going anywhere nice? What have you been cooking for dinner lately?”
It doesn’t need to be a constant back-and-forth on WhatsApp.
One small saving grace I’ve found is the iPhone’s Sleep Focus mode.
TRY ‘SLEEP FOCUS’ TO SAVE YOURSELF
It’s not the perfect solution to your WhatsApp nightmare, but it’s a start…
Just go into Settings > Focus > Sleep on an iPhone.
Then you can customise your Sleep Focus to shut out notifications while you’re in bed.
You can set up a schedule, so you won’t see notifications until you leave the Focus in the morning.
The schedule can even have different times for weekdays versus the weekend.
And it’ll even warn people trying to iMessage you that you’ve got notifications silenced (though they’ll be given the option to break through).
You can even set it up to allow notifications from specific people. I have mine set to allow my wife and closest family members – but you can block everyone if you prefer.
Picture Credit: The Sun / Apple
This mutes notifications coming through at night, and hides them when I wake up. It’s only when I come out of the Sleep Focus that they appear.
So I get some small respite from the WhatsApp carnage until my day properly begins. But it’s not enough. There has to be a better way.
PEN TO PAPER
Honestly, I’m convinced we need to go back to writing letters.
A couple of weeks ago, I read out a handwritten letter from a family member to my wife’s 90-year-old grandad. It was a big update on their life in Australia, and it felt like a special moment.
The message was an occasion. Not just a ping.
Nothing feels special with WhatsApp. It’s just a constant flurry of thoughts, feelings, updates, and memes.
Wouldn’t it be nice to write a letter to distant friends or far-off family members, maybe once a quarter? Tell them all the main bits, write it with love, and then get excited for the big update coming back in the post.
There’s no pressure to reply right away. Certainly no damning “blue ticks” cruelly revealing when I’ve peeled the envelope open.
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And try “tagging” me with a bit of paper. I dare you. The closest you’ll get to rushing me is a first-class stamp.
It would make chatting with loved ones feel more special.
We’d all be reminded of what is actually important in our lives – and who we really want to share those thoughts, feelings, updates, and moments with.
And you can bet I won’t be getting 2,000 letters a week.
