This is my free weekly edition of Scott’s Newsletter. For more insights, including weekly deep dives, powerful ideas & proven strategies from my work with some of the world’s most successful people, click here to become a paid subscriber.
“Finding yourself” is just a romantic way of saying “I’ve been avoiding responsibility for a decade.”
You don’t find yourself. You build yourself by choosing something hard and sticking to it.
But here’s what nobody tells you about this “finding yourself” epidemic.
It’s not about self-discovery. It’s about self-avoidance.
We’ve created an entire culture around the idea that somewhere out there is your “authentic self” waiting to be discovered. Like some cosmic treasure hunt where if you just meditate enough, travel enough, or try enough things, you’ll stumble upon the “real you.”
This is spiritual materialism disguised as personal growth.
Your parents’ generation didn’t “find themselves.” They built themselves through necessity. They had kids to feed, mortgages to pay, and no choice but to become competent at something valuable.
They became who they needed to become because reality demanded it.
We have the luxury of choice, so we’ve made choice itself the goal instead of the outcome of choice.
You are not a fixed entity waiting to be discovered. You are a dynamic system that responds to the demands you place on it.
Want to know who you are? Look at what you do when no one is watching. Look at what you’ve built when given unlimited time and resources. Look at how you respond when life gets hard.
The modern “finding yourself” journey
Quit your job to travel. Try 47 different hobbies. Read every self-help book. Attend workshops and retreats. Change your environment hoping it changes you. Wait for “clarity” to strike.
The building yourself journey
Pick something difficult that matters. Commit to it for longer than feels comfortable. Get really good at it despite not feeling like it. Use the competence to solve bigger problems. Repeat until you become someone you respect.
Finding yourself is passive. Building yourself is active.
Finding yourself assumes you’re lost. Building yourself assumes you’re under construction.
Most people avoid building themselves because building requires choosing. And choosing means closing doors.
Keeping all your options open means committing to none of them. And committing to nothing means becoming nothing.
Every moment you spend “finding yourself” is a moment you’re not spending building something that matters.
Your 20s aren’t for finding yourself. They’re for building the foundation of who you’re going to become.
When you build yourself, you start with competence in one area. That competence gives you confidence. Confidence allows you to take on bigger challenges. Bigger challenges force you to develop new skills.
You don’t discover who you are. You create who you become.
Your identity is not discovered — it’s forged.
Every time you keep a promise to yourself, you become more trustworthy. Every time you solve a difficult problem, you become more capable. Every time you create something valuable, you become more valuable.
The most successful people I know never “found themselves.” They chose something difficult, got really good at it, and became the type of person who could do that thing really well.
Their identity emerged from their competence, not the other way around.
Your authentic self isn’t hiding somewhere waiting to be discovered. Your authentic self is who you become when you repeatedly choose to do difficult things that matter.
Stop searching. Start building.
The person you’re looking for is on the other side of the work you’re avoiding.
Thanks for reading,
Scott
