Dating is rough, and the apps aren’t doing a whole lot to put an end to the misery. Despite services like Hinge insisting that they’re “designed to be deleted,” that doesn’t make for a sustainable business model. So, many of these apps use clever tricks that leave you swiping in vain for years.
As someone who reviews software professionally and is polyamorous, I come at the dating app space from a unique perspective. Being poly means I skirt the “delete the app” problem. Meeting someone and hitting it off doesn’t mean I’ll uninstall a dating app and never use it again. And since I’m always evaluating the apps I use for their design and user-friendliness, I’ve become a bit of a connoisseur of these platforms.
So, I wanted to know…can dating apps be good? Or are they doomed to be a miserable experience for everyone involved? The good news is, there are some apps that are better than others. And with a little bit of effort and forethought, you can find a platform that’s suited to your needs. The bad news is, well, we’re grading on a curve. And unfortunately, as long as dating apps need a business model to function, it seems like some pain points just won’t go away.
The Fundamental Problem (As Always) Is Money
Before I get into the sorta-good apps, I have to talk about why most dating apps suck. Since platforms know you probably want to meet someone and get off the apps quickly, they only have a short window to make money from you. Furthermore, men can be over-represented in both raw numbers and likes sent on dating apps. This disparity can create a supply-and-demand problem that essentially leads to many users having no good reason to spend money on the app at all.
So, how can a dating app make itself profitable while still facilitating its ostensible goal of helping people meet each other? Unfortunately, most dating apps solve that problem by…not doing that. At all. In fact, many of the popular (again, Match Group-owned) apps go out of their way to either mislead or prevent its users from finding matches.
For example, on multiple occasions, I’ve gotten notifications from OKCupid that I’ve received an influx of new “likes” from other users, which I can reveal if I pay for OKCupid Premium. Anecdotally, it always seemed that the people I would see while swiping never seemed to include anyone that already liked me. And it was only after paying that the app revealed the blurred likes are from users in places like Sri Lanka—because, as it turns out, filtering likes by location is also a paid feature.
The most egregious example I’ve encountered, however, was when OKCupid claimed I had an intro waiting for me from someone with a familiar blurry photo. I immediately recognized the image as my current partner because I had taken the photo. My partner is also on these apps and occasionally active, but confirmed they hadn’t sent me a new intro. We had met through the app, but neither of us could find our old conversation. It seemed like OKCupid blanked out our previous chat and used our initial connection as a way to tempt me to pay for the service again.
Fortunately, not all dating apps are quite as, shall we say, desperate to generate revenue. There are some common tactics that you’ve probably seen before if you also use these apps, including hiding likes behind a paywall, asking for money to boost your appearance in other people’s feeds, and extra charges for priority messages or likes. But some apps are less aggressive about their monetization schemes.
Niche Dating Apps Are Where the Fun Is Hiding
If you really want to have a good time on dating apps—or at least feel a little less miserable—then you might have better luck stepping outside the biggest dating pools. This comes with some trade-offs, of course. The less well-known a particular app is, the fewer people there are on the platforms, which limits your options. But we’re going for quality, not quantity, so that can potentially work out in your favor. With that in mind, here are some of the more niche dating apps I’ve tried, and why they might be worth a look.
1. Loop
(Credit: Loop)
Loop has, perhaps, the most interesting way to retain users even after they find a match: Recruiting them to help their friends find matches, too. You can either match up your friends with someone you think they might hit it off with, or submit yourself to being matched up. Unlike most dating apps, this one leans more into a social network angle.
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You don’t have to be friends with someone to set them up, and Loop offers groups—such as “Cat people” or “Art & museum lovers”—where users can find other people with similar interests. Features like groups and requesting an intro with a specific person are locked behind a paywall, starting at $30 per month. There are also discounts if you pay for multiple months at once.
2. Duet
(Credit: PCMag; Annie Spratt / Unsplash)
One of the biggest friction points in dating apps is figuring out how to get from chatting online to meeting up in person. Duet aims to solve this by letting users set their preferences and availability for dates up-front. You can list whether you prefer to chat first or just meet up, whether you’re available on weekdays, afternoons, etc., and even set specific dates you’re free. If you and a match have overlapping availability, Duet can suggest a date and time for you. Users can also select some common activities they prefer to smooth out the process.
Beyond that, Duet has a lot of the same features as other major dating apps, and even some of the same annoying downsides. You’ll still get pestered to pay to see who likes you and send unlimited likes, for instance. Duet Premium starts at $25 per month, which isn’t the most expensive premium subscription out there, but it’s still probably worth perusing the free version for a bit to see if it’s your vibe before you unlock that blurry feed of likes.
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3. Pure
Credit where it’s due, Pure has an incredibly eye-catching UI. This sex-positive, queer-friendly app is a bit more geared toward hookups, with an up-front focus on listing things like turn-ons, kinks, and sexual preferences. However, there are plenty of filters for more neutral interests you’re looking for, such as someone with whom you can play board games or watch movies.
(Credit: Pure)
Unlike many other dating apps, Pure is pretty up front about where its paywall sits. You can browse profiles and get a feel for how the app works, but you can’t message or like anyone until you subscribe. Once you do, you get full access to all its features, like standard matching, plus unique ones like random voice chats where you get paired with another user to start a conversation. It’s a bummer that you can’t match with anyone for free, but it also means you avoid the scummy tactics of apps that deliberately keep you away from people who have shown interest in you. Plans start at $13.50 per week, but an annual plan is as low as $50.
4. Feeld
(Credit: PCMag; Annie Spratt / Unsplash)
For the non-monogamous crowd, there’s not much better than Feeld these days. Strictly speaking, Feeld is a dating app for anyone. It has two main distinguishing features: First, a truly staggering array of options for sexual and relationship orientations. And second, the ability to link your account with up to five other “Constellation” members. So, you and your partner, girlfriend, dom, and best friend can all link up and explore together.
In practice, this emphasis on diversity and non-traditional relationship structures means that the app’s user base leans away from the heteronormative. In other words, if you’re a straight, monogamous, single person, you might find slimmer pickings than you’re used to on other apps. That said, for everyone else, it’s one of the more well-populated and helpful apps out there. The Majestic subscription, which unlocks your likes, more filters, and one free Ping per day starts at $30 per month, and scales down with three-month or annual plans.
Challenging the Norm
The above list isn’t comprehensive, but in my experience, they are worthwhile if you’re trying to challenge the norm. Unfortunately, there are many more that are just as bad as—if not worse than—some of the most popular apps. (Shoutout to Hily, an app that sent me dozens of notifications in my first day, just to let me know that strangers had looked at my profile.)
In general, I find that the best ways to get a good experience out of a dating app is similar to getting a good experience from a date—set yourself up for success by finding the places where the kind of people you want to meet are most likely to be. Go in with a good attitude, be patient, put your best foot forward, and accept that it’s a grueling experience for everyone. If you can clear those hurdles, then dating apps can, at the very least, be no more awful than trying to meet strangers in a bar.
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Eric Ravenscraft is a freelance writer and tech nerd working out of the geek capital of the world, Atlanta, Georgia. He watches way too many movies and definitely has one to recommend that you haven’t seen. Follow him on Twitter or Instagram.
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