Gates and DOS and Rock’n’Roll: The 20 Craziest Microsoft Jokes

20 sleazy Microsoft jokes

Vobis boss Theo Lieven, Marc Andreessen from Netscape and Bill Gates crashed the plane. God welcomes the three: “What have you done?” Lieven pushes forward: “I was the first to sell cheap PCs. Everyone can now afford a PC.” “Good,” says God, “Peter will assign them a place.” Marc Andreessen raises his finger: “Netscape has made it possible for you to find your way around the Internet.” God says: “Peter will give you a place.” He turns to Bill Gates: “Now, my son, what have you accomplished on earth?” Bill Gates: “First of all, I’m not your son, and second of all – get out of my seat!”

Photo: StefanieB./Fotolia.com

Four Microsoft people are driving in a car when a tire bursts. The programmer: “Shit! So let’s get out and change the tire.” The man on the hotline: “Oh no. We’ll just call the ADAC and have them change the tire.” The systems analyst: “No! We just open and close all the doors. Then it will work again.” The PR manager: “Keep calm. We’ll just continue driving as normal. Nobody will notice anything.”

Photo: Jürgen Effner/Fotolia.com

Three programmers meet in the toilet. After peeing, the first person steps to the sink, quickly rinses his hands and roughly dries them with a paper towel: “We at Windows are the fastest,” he says. The second person goes to the sink, carefully soaps his hands and dries them with four paper towels: “We at IBM are not only quick, but also thorough,” he replies. The third comes from the toilet and they recognize Linus Torvalds. You step aside so he can go to the sink, but he walks purposefully past and explains, “We at Linux don’t pee on our hands…”

Photo: Firma V – shutterstock.com

Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Linus Torvalds go to heaven. Peter leads them into a room where there are many clocks and explains to them that whenever someone makes a mistake, the clocks advance by one second. Steve Jobs finds the Apple watch running quite slowly. Linus finds the Linux clock, which is almost stopped. Only Bill Gates can’t find the Microsoft watch and asks Petrus where it is. Peter: “She’s hanging in hell… as a fan!”

Foto: Syda Productions – shutterstock.com

A while ago: Bill Gates and Jim Cannavino from IBM argued about the future of 32-bit operating systems. Finally they agree to flip a coin. Says the IBM manager: “If the number is up, OS/2 should prevail; if it’s up, Windows 95 will be the standard.” “Hey, you forgot Windows NT,” interjects Bill Gates. “I didn’t,” Cannavino replies. “If the coin stays upright, the future belongs to NT…”

Photo: Ollyy – shutterstock.com

An exchange program is being started at Microsoft. Four employees are exchanged for four cannibals. When greeting the cannibals, the boss says: “You work here now, earn good money and can go to our canteen to eat. But leave the other employees alone!” The cannibals vow not to harass any of their colleagues. After a month the boss comes back and says: “You’re working very well. We’re just missing a cleaning lady. Do you know what happened to her?” The cannibals all answer no and swear they have nothing to do with the matter. When the boss leaves, the head cannibal asks: “Which of you idiots ate the cleaning lady?” The last person at the back reports very meekly: “It was me.” Says the boss: “You idiot! We’ve been feeding on team leaders, administrators and HR representatives for four weeks so that no one notices anything. And you idiot have to eat a cleaning lady…”

Photo: Microsoft

What is the difference between Bill Gates and God? God knows he’s not Bill Gates!

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb? None. Microsoft declares darkness the standard.

Photo: Sergey Nivens – shutterstock.com

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb? None. You’re calling Intel because it’s a hardware issue.

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a light bulb? Four. The first replaces the bulb, the second changes the socket so that Netscape bulbs don’t fit. The third party installs an automatic short-circuit mechanism that is triggered when someone tries to use a Sun light bulb. And the fourth convinces the US Department of Justice that this is fair competition.

Photo: TravnikovStudio – shutterstock.com

Bill Gates dies in a car accident and finds himself in purgatory. After a while, God comes and says, “Bill, I really don’t know whether to send you to heaven or hell. On the one hand, you’ve helped society around the world by making almost everyone have a computer at home. On the other hand, you invented the terrible Windows. So I’m allowing you to do something I’ve never done before, which is to decide for yourself where you want to spend eternity.” Bill replies, “Thank you, God. But what’s the difference between heaven and hell?” God says, “I am willing to allow you to visit both places briefly, which will make your decision easier.” Bill: “OK, then hell first.” In hell, Bill sees a white sandy beach and beautiful, clear water. Thousands of young women are running around, playing in the water and having a lot of fun. The sun is shining and the temperature is perfect. Bill is very happy. “That’s great,” he says to God, “now I’m excited to see what heaven looks like.” The sky is high above the clouds. Angels float around, playing harps and singing. It’s nice, but not as nice as hell. Bill tells God his decision: “I think I’d rather go to hell.” “All right,” says God, and Bill goes to hell. Two weeks later, God decides to see how the former billionaire is doing in hell. When he gets there, he finds Bill chained to a wall in a dark cave. Flames shoot up him and demons whip him nonstop. Bill screams. “Well, how are you?” asks God. Bill says: “This place is terrible and a huge disappointment. I didn’t expect this. What happened to the other place, the one with the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?” Says God: “That was the screen saver”.

What did a history-conscious computer scientist have on his T-shirt? “Hiroshima ’45, Chernobyl ’86, Windows ’98”

Foto: 3M

Which hardware platform is best suited to demonstrate the power of Windows NT? The overhead projector.

Foto: Picture Alliance/DPA/Microsoft

Donald Trump meets Bill Gates and says: “Bill, I’m doing so well. I have a lot of money again, so much that I could buy the whole world.” Gates replied: “Good for you, but I’m not selling them.”

Photo: Microsoft

Bill Gates has an audience with the Pope and makes him an offer: “I’ll offer them $100 million if they change the ‘Our Father’.” “What did you imagine?” the Pope wants to know. “It should say: Give us today our daily Windows,” replies Bill. The Pope thinks for a moment and picks up the phone: “Immediately terminate the contract with the bakers.”

Photo: Microsoft

Bill Clinton, Saddam Hussein and Bill Gates meet in the VIP lounge of an airport. God appears and addresses Clinton: “I want to tell you: the world will end in 14 days.” All three rush home immediately. Clinton goes before the Senate: “I have two pieces of news for you. One good and one bad. First the good: God is speaking to the President of the United States. Now the bad: The world will end in two weeks.” At the same time, Saddam Hussein was rallying his junta: “I have two pieces of news for you. One bad and one very bad. First the bad: God is speaking to the President of the United States. Now the very bad: The world will end in two weeks.” Bill Gates convened the Microsoft board: “I have two news for you. One good and one very good. First the good: God speaks to the President of the United States. Now the very good: In two weeks no one will be talking about the deficiencies of Windows 2000.”

Photo: James Steidl/Fotolia.com

Bill Gates walks on his villa’s private beach. Suddenly an old bottle washes ashore. He takes it, opens it and a genie appears. “Thank you for rescuing yourself from the bottle, Bill. You now have one wish. Whatever it is, I will grant it.” Gates thinks about it and then says: “Here is a map with all the crisis and war areas on earth. I want there to be peace everywhere.” The ghost takes the card, groans and says: “This is just too much. Hundreds of wars, hating people, religious fanatics. I’m just a simple genie, I can’t straighten it all out. Don’t you have another wish?” “I have another one. I would like all major errors to disappear from Windows 95.” Then the genie: “Show me the map again…”

Photo: winhistory.de

On the Microsoft hotline: Caller: “Ever since I installed the Windows 98 beta, Office ’97 keeps crashing.” Hotline: “We had the same problem here.” Caller: “And what did you do?” Hotline: “We have installed the beta a second time.” Caller: “Okay, then I’ll try that now too.” An hour later… Caller: “Now nothing is working for me!” Hotline: “Not with us either…”